My story and why I joined the alternative scene

I grew up in a very small village full of very narrow-minded people where everyone knew everyone and you would breath in gossip along with the oxygen.
My parents were raised under the communistic regime to be exactly like every other single person in the society - never stand out, never have an opinion, never dare to say what you mean, never think for yourself, never protest, always live up to the values, never be different. 
The system fell when I was 3 years old but people remained the same. They were equally judgmental, biased, prejudiced, xenophobic and treating everyone who was different as a plague.

With having all of this in mind, my parents tried to raise me to be "normal". Not to stand out, to respect the values, to avoid being the one gossiped about, to blend in. 
When I was 7 years old my parents became members of an extreme Christian group which made the rules and values even more strict. And I'm not even speaking about how they were multiplied.

I was following their lead through my childhood and puberty, which wasn't easy because it felt so unnatural to me. I always had the desire to be different and to be noticed. I always hated to be the "grey mouse" and I looked with disgust at the girls whose example I was supposed to follow. I never understood why I always had to be modest and silent. Why I had to let others speak. Why I always had to agree with the older and therefore wiser, talk only with girls and women and only about household, cooking and listening to their bragging about anything possible. I was bored to death every single time we had visitors or when we went somewhere for a visit. But I never disobeyed and it didn't even occur to me that disobeying was an option.

My puberty was the worst period of my life. I had severe acne on my face which was impossible to hide and impossible for other people not to notice. It was also impossible for my peers in school not to bully me for it. My parents were having pretty serious financial troubles then as well, so the priorities were rent and food - not clothes and shoes. Not even mentioning skin care or make-up. I learned not to care about how I looked. It wasn't in my power to change anything about it so I didn't worry about it too much. I just avoided mirrors and being caught on camera. 
What was pissing me off quite much though was the fact that, because of my looks, I had no social life. I was avoiding boys and their cruel jokes as much as they were avoiding me and my ugliness and I was avoiding girls because I didn't want to be the beast next to all the beauties. Teenagers just treat the world by its looks, not by character or personality. That's just the way it is and it won't change. 
I never believed that looks aren't everything. It was my experience that if you had looks you were popular, accepted and people were eager to listen to your opinion, which of course wasn't happening for me. I grew up to be an outcast. I still didn't hate people and I wanted to be a part of society. I just accepted the way they are and I didn't let it bother me.

Years passed, my acne disappeared and I finally had money for make-up and clothes (I remember how I blew my entire first full-month salary on it and how amazing it felt). I still lived with my parents and I was a member of the extreme christian group as well- I didn't really care for it myself but I was just doing what my parents expected me to do. I hated the majority of the rules and I felt like a lion in a cage- I was never being myself because I was not allowed to. I remember my dad's never ending lectures about how bad it is to desire to be different and how am I supposed to follow the rules. I also remember how my dad hated the phrase "to be yourself". I never knew who I was and I could never find my own style. I was jumping from one style to another but I never felt good about any of them. I was just lost.

I wasn't happy but I also wasn't too unhappy. I just accepted the fact that I had to live the way my parents and my religion told me to and there was no way out for me. And I learned that the only way how to not go insane is by just not giving a crap about anything or anybody.

A bright light from the sky appeared when my Dutch boyfriend who was living in the Netherlands, asked me to marry him and move in with him. I accepted his proposal immediately. I really liked him and it was an amazing opportunity to escape my country, which I hated for the obvious above mentioned reasons, and to escape from my parent's dictatorship. Of course, I was still bound by religion - just like my future husband and his family. But I was eager to finally become myself and follow my rules as much as I could.

I won't mention any details of my marriage but I ended up being disappointed. 
People in Dutch villages are as equally narrow-minded and gossipy as the people back home. Maybe less extreme but it's the same story all over again. The religion had the same rules and the same values as like back home and the people wouldn't accept me for who I was. I dared to be myself just a tiny bit but it made me already way too different from them. I lived like this over 5 years, I felt worse day by day until the point that I couldn't take it anymore. There was nothing else left for me but to quit. So I did. My marriage, my religion, my acquaintances, my so called friends, everyone I knew. I left everything behind and I started all over again from the scratch. 

This time I didn't let anybody tell me how to live or which rules and values to follow. I decided to never become a part of any religion and to never get married again. The world was wide open, just waiting for me to explore it. I discovered metal music (which wasn't allowed by my religion) and it's sub-genres and ended up loving it. I started visiting metal concerts and festivals and I was shocked by the people. Christian religion is picturing metalheads as violent drug users, ready to destroy everything. I saw how horribly wrong they are. I felt great between metalheads. I loved the fact that when the music starts playing they can behave as crazy or "idiotic" (how would my folks and people back home describe them) as they want to, and nobody cares. Nobody is looking at anybody with contempt, nobody is pointing fingers and nobody is judging. I felt the freedom of being myself between these people. I remember how awkward I felt on my first metal concert. I was just standing next to the wall observing other people not daring to move. I was crazy in love with the clothing and make-up of the alternative/metal scene and it took me almost a  year to dare to wear it myself. I started slowly step by step transforming my looks into something I really liked. And something that defines me. Now I can honestly say that I look like who I really am. I like all alternative styles and sub-cultures but I don't consider myself part of any of them particularly. I like to be nu-goth or psycho-billy one day and industrial or grunge another day. I like the variety. And I'm happy this way.

I still live in the same village and I see people staring at me when I wear the clothes and make-up they find unusual. I don't care about it. It amuses me. I like to shock people. I like to be unconventional and I want to show that I am not one of them. With my looks I am representing freedom and enlightenment and my refusal to follow religious or any rules which I disagree with. I am no longer unnoticed, I am not a grey mouse and I only do what I like. I respect other people and their choices, I respect the country I live in and the rules of the country. I don't do anything illegal and I am not encouraging anyone to do so. But as long as I am free by the rules of this country to listen to whatever music I like and to look whatever way I want I will most certainly do so.

My current go to look: Black smokey eyes & black lips

This is a quite simple look and it takes me pretty short amount of time and products to create it. I also feel like I look like myself the most with this make up style.
How I achieved it?
First I started with a creamy grey eyeshadow as a base (using Maybelline's color tattoo eyeshadow in shade 55 Immortal Charcoal). I applied it all over my eyelids with my finger. I smudged the outer edges  where I wanted the color to be the lightest. Next I highlighted under my brows using a white matte eyeshadow (Inglot freedom system 373). Next I applied a light beige eyeshadow below the white one and a medium brown eyeshadow on top of it (Inglot freedom system matte 390 & 342). This created a transition between light and dark colors and also a perfect base for blending black eyeshadow. Next I applied black matte eyeshadow on my lids (top and bottom) and I blended it above my crease. I used Rimmel's 214 Jet Black. I usually blend a bit higher because I have hooded eyes and I want the dark eyeshadow to be visible with my eyes open as well. I blend under my bottom lashline also pretty far to achieve more "goth" look. It also makes my eyes to appear bigger.
Next I lined my inner corners, my top lashline and an outer bit of my bottom lashline with black eyepencil from Essence. I chose eyepencil over liquid (or gel) eyeliner because I was going for more smudged and less precise line. I set the pencil with the black matte eyeshadow to prevent moving, creasing and to make it last longer.
I primed my face using Revlon's photoready perfecting primer.
Then I applied my foundation -
Mary Kay luminous-wear foundation in shade 4 Ivory. Next I highlighted my under eye area, the top of my cheekbones, my jaws and chin with light yellow concealer from my Beauty88 concealer palette. I set it all with loose white powder from Grimase. Next I drew on my eyebrows using black gel eyeliner from Rimmel.
I applied 2 coats of mascara on my top and bottom lashes (Me Now Generation II Lash power Extension Visible Mascara).
For my lips I applied my favourite liquid lipstick Venom from LA Splash cosmetics.